i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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