i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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