He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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