I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
