Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
