Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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