if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize