this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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