Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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