She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
did i just pee glitter
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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