my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
