I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
