no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
