I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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