6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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