Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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