If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
