I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Green mimosas i think yes
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
