It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
