There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
