just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Are we still banned from the library?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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