don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
