I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
