Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
