he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Shame - the story of my life.
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