I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
