I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
