OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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