twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I love you. Go after that dick
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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