btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
