bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
