My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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