WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
