i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
