shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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