mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
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Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
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Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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