shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
