My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
