This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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