You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
