I'm so fucking centered right now
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
