im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
