final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
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