youre lurking in front of me
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
