Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
