when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
