You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
