Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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