he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
