just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
