I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
