never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
