I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
