I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
