So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
