I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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